Finding Healing

One of the most impactful statements my therapist made to me recently was, “People are going to talk no matter what, so you may as well tell your side of the story.” So here I am. I’m nothing if not honest. I own up to my mistakes and bad decisions. I’ll be the first to say that I’m not perfect.

I’ve learned (over and over) that I can’t control the narrative. I can’t control how people think, speak or feel about me.  And as a inherent people pleaser- this is a hard reality.

I’ve gotten called all the names in the book, I’ve worn the scarlet letter and felt judgmental eyes on me. I’ve lost some friends and watched as others fall to the gossip. I’ve realized there is no escaping judgment-even if you aren’t doing anything that’s “worth” judging.

So I have to ask myself…what can I control? The reality- aside from my actions and words-nothing. Some might say a journal would be better than a blog for some of the topics I write about…and in terms of backlash they might be right. But if my openness about my experiences can help even one person, that makes it worth it to me.

I have to believe that there is a purpose in the pain…yes even if it was due to the natural consequences of bad decisions. I look back now at all the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

It took a few too many times for me to learn that alcohol was not a good coping mechanism. I spent one too many nights puking my guts out, waking up with an awful hangover in the morning, and I can still remember the feelings that would hit throughout the day as I would piece together the events from the night before. I’d tell myself I was never drinking again and I would follow through…until the next time.

I think about breakups that in the moment made me feel like my world was crumbling but really I should have seen them as a learning opportunity to see what kind of man I didn’t want to end up with. I should have learned quickly that I didn’t want someone who loved me one second and couldn’t be with me the next, or someone who only wanted one thing, or someone who was inconsistent, or someone who made me feel like I had to be the man of the house. The amount of times I begged for love when it should’ve been a natural given is a few too many.

I learned a little too late that I was never going to find my value in another human being, and that repeatedly trying to was only going to lead to more heartbreak.

I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t change a thing. There are absolutely things I would love to go back and do differently. That said, considering the butterfly effect, I might not be where I am today if it weren’t for those bad decisions. The idea that just one different decision could have changed everything is a hard pill to swallow.

I share my experiences so that others might not fall into the same traps.  I wish that at the time I had someone reminding me that every decision I made along the way would end up impacting my future spouse in one way or another. Every decision left some type of scar that inevitably would show up in my future marriage. Thinking about that now weighs on my heart. Yes, sure everyone has baggage. But I definitely could’ve saved myself some hard conversations if I had considered back then the future impact those decisions would have.

So now what? I’ll continue to do what plenty of therapy and self reflecting has taught me.  I’m releasing the need to control the narrative as well as to get people to like me or approve of me. I’ll pour into my family and remind myself that at the end of the day-that’s what really matters. People can say whatever they want…but 9 times out of 10 they’re throwing stones at glass houses.