Finding Healing

For those of you who haven’t read my post titled The Life of the Other Woman-I will quickly catch you up to speed.  I participated in a relationship with a married man for 9 months.  It was by far the most painful time period of my life.  Below are some of the most important lessons that I learned during and after that time.

1. Do not assume it can’t or won’t be you:  I’m pretty confident 9 out of 10 women who have been, or are, the other woman didn’t go into it saying “YES I’m going to be the other woman!!” If you had asked me, that would have never been me. It goes against all of my morals and personal beliefs. Take a listen to the song “Never Wanted to be That Girl” by Ashley McBryde and Carly Pearce. The song that ironically was released the month of the year that affair started…and it was my theme song. Unfortunately it was a lot easier to fall into that trap than I anticipated, mostly because of my emotional state at the time. On the reverse side also don’t assume that it won’t be you who cheats on your spouse (if you aren’t implenting safeguards). I would argue every person that goes into marriage does not go into it thinking they’re going to blow up said marriage. Yes-cheating is a choice. You have to be intentional in your faithfulness. Often times I feel as though people become complacent. If you aren’t self aware and conscious of your decisions and the ripple effect that stems from those decisions-it could very well end up being you. And let me tell you from both sides of it…it hurts.
2. Don’t assume anything is innocent: When you’re interacting with someone who is married or in a relationship, you cannot assume that anything is innocent. There is no such thing as innocent flirting. When you are married be cautious of close relationships with members of the opposite sex.  This doesn’t mean you can’t have friends of the other sex, it just means you need to maintain boundaries.  Venting to someone of the opposite sex about your partner can turn a crack into gaping hole.  Another big thing for me is appearance. Not your own personal physical appearance.  But how your interactions would appear to someone outside of the situation. Would they see your actions as faithful or would they assume you’re just a single person out having fun?
3. Do not ignore the red flags: This goes for any and all relationships.  You are never in too deep. The longer I stayed through the red flags the more pain I caused myself at the time as well as the other people involved. I could go back and identify all of the flaming red flags that I very purposefully ignored and in hindsight I want to go back and shake myself.
4. Be honest with yourself: Think about what you really want and the person that you want to be. Is this situation helping you get there? I purposefully chose to disregard all of my morals and values in this situation.  And that was not easy to heal from.
5. There is healing in forgiveness: In my case this worked in multiple ways. I had to apologize (and repent) for my part of the situation. Asking forgiveness was something I needed moving forward. Also, there was nothing more freeing than forgiving my now partner. Forgiving him without an apology released me (and him) from the situation. I could not truly move on with my life without releasing that anger and bitterness. There was power in forgiveness and it made me feel lighter almost immediately.  I remember to this day the power I instantly felt upon forgiving him.
6. Water and exercise are underrated:I was really in the thick of it when (as silly as it may sound)  I got into a routine of drinking at least 64 oz of water a day and exercising daily. My mental state improved significantly (and I was too busy to keep doing stupid stuff). I was regularly walking, taking bike rides, doing zumba with the old people in town and I even did a few jiu jitsu lessons…all with my best friend which leads me to…
7. You NEED support: I don’t know where I would’ve been without support. Support from friends, my family, and my therapist. They were all pushing me to heal and move forward. They all kept me safe to the best of their abilities. When I was self sabatoging they were in my ear trying to remind me who I was and what I should want for myself and my future. You need to surround yourself with people who won’t enable you, but will hold you accountable.
8. You have to forgive yourself: my therapist was heavy on me needing to forgive myself and to really give myself grace…and she was right it just took me a long time to get there. Infidelity causes so much pain and shame. To fully heal you need to be able to release that; acknowledge that it is not who you are nor who you want to be and nobody has a right to put a label on you.  One of my favorite sayings is, “The only one with the right to cast a stone didn’t.” Jesus- the one who lived a perfect human life yet faced judgement and hatred, never cast a single stone, He only turned the other cheek.
9. There is no situation where “revenge” is worth it: Trying to get back at someone will never work in your favor. (Romans 12:19, which states, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord”.) The decisions I made during the time period of the affair and after left me with scars that will never fully go away.  I hurt myself, and the people I love most, in an effort to get back at the one who hurt me at the time.  I only further devalued myself in the process.
10. Don’t fall into the same pitfalls: We have relatively regular conversations about how we can best protect our relationship. We set higher standards for expectations and we hold each other accountable. (An amazing book that touches on important principles of marriage is “The Meaning of Marriage” by Timothy and Kathy Keller) this all circles back to lesson 1…dont assume it cant or wont be you if you dont choose to protect your marriage (or relationship) daily.