Finding Healing

Trigger Warning for anyone who has experienced pregnancy loss, still birth, loss of an infant, etc.

October 26th, 2023 our baby’s heart stopped beating. A few days later on October 30th, 2023 I had to have a D & C. I’ll rewind back to the beginning of this piece of our story.

This essentially picks up where my “Life of the other woman” post ends. For those who haven’t read that post, in summer of 2023 my now husband contacted me again after a year apart. I was pretty hesitant to get into a serious relationship with him again, and had boundaries set in my head that I swore I wouldn’t break. That is definitely easier said than done and spoiler alert, I failed at holding most of those boundaries. I was spending all of my free time with him, staying at his apartment some nights and most weekends. One weekend in particular after having a head cold for a week we were spending the day just relaxing before Randall had to go into work.

For back story a bunch of guys a this work had been relentlessly picking on him, telling him I was going to end up pregnant with twins and picking on him about being old. So anyways, he randomly said to me, “I’m kind of concerned you haven’t had your period.” I wasn’t. I have PCOS and have never had normal periods. I brushed him off but he said, “No I’m like actually concerned.” So I laughed and said I’ll take a pregnancy test and prove to you there’s nothing to worry about.

I had one of the cheap test strips that was close to expiration but I figured that would do. I took the test and went into the kitchen to start getting his stuff ready for work for him. Randall walks into the kitchen and was like, “Ummmm……unless I’m imagining something there’s two lines on that test.” I genuinely thought he was messing with me, partly because he can’t be serious to save his life and also based off of history I was convinced conceiving a baby with him was not humanly possible. So I made my way to the bathroom and looked at the strip where there was actually very clearly 2 pink lines. I was in utter shock. He told me I needed to go get a real test while he finished getting ready for work. In a daze I drove to dollar general down the road and picked up multiple tests.

When I got back home I took a normal test as well as a digital test. The normal test very clearly showed up positive immediately. I was standing in the bathroom in complete shock when he told me to come sit in the living room until the digital test came back. To which I responded, “there’s no need…” as the digital test popped up “pregnant.” Now there are quite a few reasons why this was as shocking as it was. The main reason being that he had just turned 48 years old with no biological children of his own. Against the odds-I was clearly pregnant.

Both of us were in complete and utter shock. Randall had 15 minutes until he had to leave for work and I was quite literally freaking out inside. Before he left for work he held my hand and told me that he personally didn’t believe in abortion, but also that he knew he couldn’t force his will on me as he didn’t know how I felt or what I was thinking. He said we would talk about everything later and just to try and take some deep breathes, that no matter what happened we would figure it out together.

I really felt like I was living in the twilight zone. I could not process what was happening. A few hours later, I went to bring him dinner at work. We were sitting outside at a picnic table and I very clearly remember how excited he had become in just a matter of a couple hours. He talked about how this could be his first biological child, something he never thought that he would get to experience. He could not have been any more supportive. I quickly became excited with him. When I had woken up that morning I was completely comfortable with that fact that I would only ever have one child (my daughter). How quickly things changed that day just from those pink lines.

The next morning I called the OBGYN and scheduled my first ultrasound. He couldn’t help but tell a few guys at work and it quickly spread around the facility and he came home with this:

As much as they messed with him, they were also some of the most supportive people in our lives. We anxiously waited for our first ultrasound, for confirmation that we were having a baby, and that everything was okay so far. It was a long few weeks but finally the day came. We sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever. I remember my anxiety being through the roof, to the point where I had cold chills. Finally it was time and I held my breath until the picture of our little baby came up on the screen.

We watched as the little bean hopped around the screen, super active. We watched the little heartbeat, and I watched as he teared up and squeezed my hand. Isn’t it crazy how quickly you can fall in love with someone you don’t know, haven’t met, and won’t meet for essentially another 8 months? It was a euphoric feeling getting to see our baby on that screen….measuring perfect and healthy.

Once we had the ultrasound confirmation, we started letting our families know. It was difficult news to deliver due to the circumstances of our relationship, but the news was accepted very gracefully. We started making plans, thinking about baby names, dreaming of what our life would be like with a baby. My daughter (who is really OUR daughter) was 5 at the time. When we told her she was just so excited. She talked about how she wanted a baby sister and asking a million questions about how much longer it would be, and when we would know if it was a boy or girl.

While we anxiously awaited our next ultrasound, I ordered a test for the gender. During that waiting period my nausea grew, I would get car sick anytime I was in the car. At about 10am every morning I would go from feeling normal to ready to puke in an instant. We had ginger ale and crackers on standby. While I wish the time away then, I would give anything to go back to the feeling of carrying our baby inside of me.

When the gender result came back, Randall was at work. I planned to make “reveal cupcakes’” to bring to him at work. I overdid it on the blue so I think that might have given it away. Either way I was so excited to be able to go and tell him we were going to have a baby boy.

We had talked about baby names, how if it were a girl we wanted to name her Arabella Renay, and if it were a boy- Harley William. So along with the cupcakes I brought a onesie with our boy name on it, and wrote him a note to open in the car when we got there. To this day I can’t bring myself to rewatch the video of him opening the note and onesie in the car, where he burst into happy tears finding out that he was having a son.

About a week after finding out that we were having a boy, I got really sick. More sick than I have ever been. I had a 103 fever and was puking. I called the on call doctor pretty panicked. She essentially just told me take Tylenol and try to stay hydrated, if anything changed call back. I didn’t accept that answer very well, so Randall got up with me at 4am and took me to the emergency room. When we went to check in the security guard asked if that was my dad with me and I was pretty mortified. He was pretty mortified too that he had said that out loud when he realized. Understandable confusion though.

I was extremely anxious as we were waiting there, they ordered a bunch of tests, told me that I had the flu, the earliest case of the flu they had seen, and they ordered an ultrasound just to check on the baby. I could not breathe until we had that ultrasound. We again, got to see our baby show up on the screen and the relief I felt when I saw him moving was unmatched. I am pretty sure I cried in that moment, just pure tears of relief. They sent me home telling me to rest and hydrate, which I did.

A few days later I started feeling better, but I still felt really off. I remember feeling that something was not right. One day I had slight discharge, which can be normal, but it freaked me out so I called the doctor. It was a Monday and they brought me in but essentially just did my vitals and told me they were sure everything was fine but they would get me scheduled for an ultrasound later that week because they didn’t have any availability that day. I took their comfort and left. Something in me still was just telling me something was not right.

A few days later on Thursday October 26th, we walked in for the ultrasound, excited to see our baby again. As I laid there, I immediately knew. I saw Randall’s face go somber, and I watched as the tech was quickly taking a bunch of pictures. What I also noted was that our baby was not moving…not even a little. I remember saying, “there’s no heartbeat…” to which the tech quickly responded, “Well I’m just going to grab the doctor and the doctor will check.” She couldn’t be the one to confirm what I already knew.

The tech left the room and I saw the tears starting to stream down Randall’s face. That was all the confirmation I needed to know that the doctor was about to walk into the room and I was going to experience a heartbreak that I hadn’t felt before. The doctor came in, they went through another ultrasound showing us there was no heartbeat, no movement, no life. They quickly brought us to another room to discuss “options.”

We sat there in shock, full of grief while we listened to the doctor talk about the three options for removing the baby from my body. Ultimately we determined they would do a D & C the following Monday. We left the doctors office, unable to speak. We sat in the car and cried. I texted my mom asking her to pick up our daughter from school. I remember sending the text, “the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat,” to family and closest friends. The days that followed are a blur of just pure pain. I remember telling Randall how horrible it felt knowing that our baby was still inside…but had no life. It felt like torture and I couldn’t handle it.

I had the procedure done on October 30th. I woke up emotionally numb. The next day was Halloween and I remember slowly walking around the neighborhood for our daughter to go trick or treating. I remember holding back tears the entire time, wanting nothing more than to curl up on the couch with blankets, while needing to be present for our daughter. I remember having to tell her that we actually lost the baby, that he wouldn’t be coming to join us on this earth. I remember holding her while she cried, falling asleep on my chest. I remember my heart breaking every single day when she would show us pictures she drew of our family with the baby.

Family, friends, and Randall’s work all stepped in and provided all of the support we could have asked for. We started the process of grieving what never was and never would be. 2 years later almost to the day, I still hold an incredible about of pain. I have dreamed of what our baby would have looked like, what he would’ve been doing today. I feel a dull ache in my chest when I see babies/toddlers, especially the blonde hair blue eyed ones, as I’m convinced that’s what our baby would have had.

Our daughter the other day asked us if she was always going to be an only child, saying sadly how she’s sure she’s going to be. I couldn’t even answer that question. She probably is right…she will be an only child but I don’t have it in me to say that out loud to her as it will make it even more real for myself. Randall and I talk occasionally about how crazy it is that something we never wanted became something we wanted more than anything. That’s the thing about life though. It’s a rollercoaster with ups and downs, curves you aren’t ready for or wouldn’t expect.

What got us through and continues to get us through, is each other, faith, family, friends, and God. I’ve come to accept that it is okay to allow those feelings to resurface every now and then. It’s okay that it still hurts, as it should, because a life was lost. It is good to talk about the feelings and thoughts that arise. When these things come up, I talk to my person, the one who went through it with me, and it gives me comfort and validation in my pain.

One of the things I used during this time was a journal I purchased on Amazon called, Miscarriage Grief Journal: 48 Journaling Prompts to Process the Loss of a Baby. The link is right here–> “https://a.co/d/0aiX2D7

To anyone who has experienced the pain of loss-my heart goes out to you. It is a grief that I would not wish on anybody.

In honor of Harley William Sanderson